We would love to have you participate in this exciting production. We are currently seeking to fill the following positions:
Lead Actor, Male – Must be at least half decent looking.
Lead Actor, Female – Must be 6’1″, gymnast, better looking than Farrah Fawcett in her prime, and willing to do nude scenes at the webmasters house. For research.
Secondary Actors – Are you breathing? Can you say this line “Can I get your bags sir?” and make it seem like you aren’t reading it off your wrist?
Stage Manager – Must be able to wrangle 10 cats while blindfolded and silent.
Stage Hand – Should be able to juggle 6 flaming batons while quietly ushering actors to their positions. Also must know everyones’ lines in case they forget.
Lighting Director – The only criteria for this position is the ability to turn the lights on and off. Can you operate a switch?
Craft Services – Must be a gourmet chef able to produce the most wondrous creations using only crackers and sliced cheese.